God I want my baby

God, I want my baby. I scream into the airGod, I want my baby. Why can’t I have him here?

God, I want my baby. His sweet hands and tiny nose. God, I want my baby. His fuzzy hair and wrinkly toes.

God, I want my baby. How am I supposed to breathe? God, I want my baby. It brings me to my knees.

God, I want my baby. A shaky sound that leaves my lips. God, I want my baby. Just close enough to kiss.

God, I want my baby. I shiver in the night. God, I want my baby. I hold his blanket tight.

God I want my baby. To see Daddy kiss his head. God I want my baby. And tuck him into bed.

God I want my baby. His family loved him so. God I want my baby. Why did he have to go?

God, I want my baby. I miss the way he cooed. God, I want my baby. So pink and fresh and new.

God, I want my baby. I was filled with so much hope God, I want my baby. Now, I just try to stay afloat.

God, I want my baby. To feel his heart beat more. God, I want my baby. The tears fall upon the floor.

God, I want my baby. I blow kisses up to Heaven. God, I want my baby. The silence nearly deafens. 

God, I want my baby. I never see him smile. God, I want my baby. Just to sit and rock a while.

God, I want my baby. It’s hard to live without. God, I want my baby. My mind is filled with doubt.

God, I want my baby. Skinned knees and dirty feet. God, I want my baby. An accidental potty on the seat.

God, I want my baby. Would he have played sports? God, I want my baby. His life was cut too short.

God, I want my baby. I would fight with all I have. God, I want my baby. It’s not fair. I feel so mad.

God, I want my baby. A mother’s broken heart. God, I want my baby. Memories never to part.

God, I want my baby. I whisper soft once more. God, I want my baby. As I close his bedroom door.

God, I want my baby. Hold him tight and squeeze. God, I want my baby. Until I have him back with me.

-Tori Sullivant

Did you know I was crying?

I texted you today just to check inDid you know I was crying? I needed to talk, but the words felt so numb. Did you know I was crying? I'm afraid of being awkward or bringing you pain so I hold it in in hopes of a distraction. Did you know I was crying? I couldn't see the screen so I couldn't say much and my soul was screaming please notice I'm dying. Did you know I was crying?

I went out today with my sunglasses on Did you know I was crying? The world moves on and I'm stuck here breaking Did you know I was crying? Simple things that use to take no effort now leave me exhausted and empty. Did you know I was crying? Everything reminds me of him. The tears fall behind my glasses and I try to stay standing. Did you know I was crying?

I laid on my side as you slept beside me. Did you know I was crying? The night is so hard and the dark is engulfing. Did you know I was crying? My thoughts race and I replay that day in my head one thousand times. I can't sleep. Did you know I was crying? I feel so alone, the emptiness is suffocating me and the pain makes it hard to breathe. Did you know I was crying?

I smiled today and I showed the world. After I was crying. I want to choose joy, but sometimes it's hard. Did you know I was crying? I try to figure out how to live this new life and put one foot in front of the other. Did you know I was crying? My laughter doesn't mean the pain has gone away. I still miss him with every beat of my heart; that will never change. Did you know I was crying?

Behind the screen, behind the smile, behind the dark now you know I am crying.